I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
