If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.