Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
