had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I can't put those talents on a resume
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
