Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
