That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
