i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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