I cannot find my penis.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
