How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
