You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
