Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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