I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
