New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
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