I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
