i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
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