I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
