Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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