id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
