i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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