How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I want a musical about memes.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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