We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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