I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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