Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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