i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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