My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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