Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
