we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
