just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
