Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
