That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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