I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
