We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
