i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
