No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
