I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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