She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
