I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
