a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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