Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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