I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
