I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
