I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
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I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
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I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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