I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
