Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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