I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
