I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
