i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
