when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i wish my penis had a tongue
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
