you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
