We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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