We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
