They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
