just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
