You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
